Ironman World Championships Kona, HI USA

Kona race report ➡️ 3:30am; my alarm sounds as the moonlight glimmers through the blind shades of my room. Fresh from race-week viewings of The Hobbit, I seize the opportunity, desiring to find illuminated dwarf runes prophesizing my fate (King Kamehahema, please bless me with a royal welcome!). In a twist, it’s now clear that the auditory feedback required for a precise stroke of midnight semi-barred piss in a darkened ensuite was neutralised by my well-fitting silicone earplugs. I chuckle, knowing this certainly won’t be the last act of wanton urinating to occur today. But I boot on, & it’s not long before I’m in the Pacific Ocean avoiding the front of the race. Laidlow soon spearheads the group; with his tempered tip & long thick shaft, I feel strongly this man will be smiting us in the ass all day. A largely uneventful swim is punctuated a raucous finale, as a gold capped Blummenfelt postures on my left & I’m sandwhich by another body on the right. The softly spoken Nordic strongman will need to cough up for gold teeth if he keeps this shit up, as I make fist & prepare to return blows. We transition. Not once, but twice; as I go from large group to groupless. All good though, I’ve despised cock-heavy bands of men since Backstreet’s Back hit the airwaves in 1997. It’s the most time I’ve spent alone since the weeks after I bought my first Picture mag from the Boondall servo age 13. Trying to find friends, I measure up with Currie, but it seems he’s fallen ill from last night’s butter chicken. Riders catch & pass. Von Berg’s rotor rubbing. Skipper’s bike audibly falling apart. Clavel looks like he should be in the circus with whatever that is. The one pass I do make is on Kyle Smith, who is empty like a 40gram pack of crinkle-cut salt & vinegar chips, yet the young lad ain’t going to be licking the fingers today. I’m buoyed by a solitary Sanders, acknowledging my efforts with a colloquial two fingered salute as we lock down into the final 40km of the bike. To be continued.